Unforgiveness
As promised via social media I said that I would re visit this issue/topic. Now because I am the person I am I really like to be real and keep it real with anyone who reads these blogs. So with that being said let me be as transparent as I can be with those who will read this blog and hopefully many more to come. So this subject of unforgiveness hits home for me in many ways because I have had to deal with it over and over again in my life. So as I kid I was forced to endure many things that I had to deal with later in life. Things like abuse, abandonment, rejection, low self-esteem, racism, hatred of people, and much backlash from people being jealous of me and I still don’t really know why. I was born with a genetic disorder that would eventually manifest itself early in my child hood and would bring much more opposition, challenges, and fights for my own defense both physically and psychologically. So as you can see I faced a lot of things that would be the foundation for the person I would become one day. Now keep in mind I am a writer so I have and amazing ability to express myself in words so I am now building you a story that will have a reasonable ending.
So as a person who understands being hurt and having to deal with the effects of such pain I am compelled to share this with you all. So on this subject of unforgiveness I would like to start off by saying things in life absolutely will happen good, bad, great and small but we have to take it all. I remember being in middle school and having all these issues with anger and not really understanding why I was so mad all the time. I was introduced to drugs at 10 years old and started drinking at 11 years old. I started this because I wanted to fit in and also because I had seen it done by family members so it couldn’t be all that bad right? I was wrong in this thinking but I still partook in this terrible thing. I experienced abuse both physically and mentally and was one who held everything in most of the time especially the things that happened to me that hurt me the most. Little did I know or realize was that this was a bomb waiting to go off at any minute. So here are the ingredients for the explosion waiting to happen in my life. The first one was hatred, the second resentment, the third was bitterness, next abandonment, the next rejection, the next low self-esteem, the next insecurity, the next anger, and finally the lack of love form my father who chose to be absent. Boy oh boy was this a combination for disaster. So as this boiled in me for years it exploded during my middle school years and manifested in very destructive behavior. The crazy part about it is that my parents (mom and step dad) didn’t know I was fighting in school drinking and smoking and many other ways of self-medicating.
So as this is going on my mother decided to attend a church and to make a long story short we joined a church and some healing began in my life. I turned completely around after a few years but remember a foundation had been built on all these negative things better known as issues. So Jesus was awesome but my foundation had to be completely destroyed in order to move on. Many people “get saved” but never truly get delivered from some very real ish in life forgive my being blunt but this thing is real. So we play what I call is the Christian game and speak, live, and walk in christianese. Essentially we put on this role that really is not real and walk religiously and not in true relationship with Father God. Unfortunately even church has been done horribly wrong and God completely misrepresented in many ways so it has been even hard to get to the truth of who god is because of many factors including race, segregation, and the word of God being manipulated to fit a certain mold which I will address in another blog. So I played the game and was somewhat healed of my many childhood issues but here and there thigs would come up and out of me that contradicted who I was supposed to be as a “believer”. /the real issues no matter how many prayer lines I stood in or how many hands were laid on me the real reality was I had undealt with issues of unforgiveness. I was so mad at my life and what had happened to me that I was literally pissed off at life. If that was not enough I was mad at God as well because why would He allow all of this to happen to me.
So like an onion that has to be pealed in order to get to the center of it I began being pealed by God as I allowed Him to do so. The real reality is that we tend to hold on to pain and issues sometime as we want to nurse our wounds. So here I am letting God heal me in so many ways thinking I was good and really ready to move on and forward with my life but things kept coming up. I finally realized that they kept coming up because I had never truly dealt with them. So as I began to deal with them well into my early 20’s I also realized that it wasn’t as easy as it seemed to be. This process was like hair literally being pulled my head as they arose from God to deal with. So after many years this was dealt with and I was an over comer of all this craziness that made me who I was. I must interject at this point and say that our environments are huge is shaping who we are as individuals and I grew up in a very confrontational, prideful, grudge holding, revengeful, you get me I will get you back community and this also had to be dealt with. So as all the other issues arose so did this but not as much but it would have to be dealt with as well.
Fast forward to the mid to late 90’s and my first job working in sports and education. I will make this brief this by saying I was constantly attacked because of who I was and my stand for God openly. You name it I was it in short. I was talked about falsely accused over and over again and each time it opened a wound I though was healed. Fast forward again to 2010 and the same thing happens but this time I am completely railroaded by the school district I was working for and eventually I leave after my job as a coach is taken away not because the accusations were true but because I was not like by my administration because I was once again bold. I can honestly say to you after having to look at this over and over again for the last few years I was in a little deeper than I thought. I border lined hated people. I had some thoughts that I know were not pleasing to God. I have had to question my true motives for certain actions and honestly speaking I said things I meant like what I wanted to see happen to people who lied on me. I watched as people who I felt put me into this position fall and was happy about it. I was bitter and didn’t even realize it. I was watching Oprah one day and the issue of the seven stages of grief came up and I realized at that moment that I was really dealing with human responses to tragic issues in life. So this made me aware of what I was going through. As a side note: when dealing with people in life I try to address issues without telling people how quickly they need to get over it and encourage them to allow God to heal them. I say this because so many people had advice for me as to how I was supposed to handle this whole situation without them not one time ever having to deal with it themselves. Be careful what advice you give someone while they are in a tough time in life you never know who it affects them or even you. I watched a few people tell me what to do and them they ended up in a similar situation and was lost.
Fast forwar5d to yesterday Sunday September 6th 2015 and the sermon being unforgiveness. It was like the Lord opened my eyes to so much that I was dealing with as a result of holding onto certain things that have turned into roots of unforgiveness. So as I sat there I am being reminded of things that I was still mad about, people who pissed me off, situations I was unjustly accused of, people who I felt a certain way about and so much more, it was if I had a note pad and I was writing things down and being delivered of them at the same time. I must say that right before the message we experienced a time of worship that left even the worship team at a lost (they literally had to follow the flow of the spirit and not their prepared song list) as Gods presence was ushered in in such a way that I can only describe as magnificent, miraculous, and angelic. I know that this prepared our hearts to receive the message on unforgivenss as it was an atmosphere to do so after worship. So I wanted to share this experience with you because I know there are many out there who are dealing with issues of forgiveness. I was and was praising Jesus every day still bound up. I am sure that I will face other issues in the future but as of now it feels good to be free. Remember that an issue of unforgiveness holds the one who has been done wrong captive not the one who has wronged someone. So don’t give them that power over you. Don’t allow them the ability to control you with that situation you were wronged in. Finally don’t give the devil the place in your life to keep you bound.
I hope this helps someone to move past their past and are set free from unforgiveness. I know personally it takes time to heal from any wound but let’s not allow the enemy of mankind to keep us stuck any longer.
Keep your heads up, be encouraged and as always God bless you all,
D